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<TITLE>SHOULD ADOPTIVE PARENTS OF INTERNATIONALLY-ADOPTED CHILDREN SEARCH AND OPEN ADOPTIONS?</TITLE>
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<b>SHOULD ADOPTIVE PARENTS OF INTERNATIONALLY-ADOPTED CHILDREN SEARCH AND OPEN ADOPTIONS?</b><br>
by Jane Brown
<p>
      Many who have adopted internationally at least flirt with the idea of
searching for additional information about their child's early history
before adoption and/or for their child's birth family.  Is this
appropriate?  If and when adoptive families are able to obtain identifying
information, should they move forward to actually contact birth parents?
What are the outcomes-- predictable or not-- for all of the players who are
involved (birth parents, adoptive parents, non-adopted siblings in each
family, and for the young adoptee)?  Is open adoption different in
international adoption than it is in domestic adoption?
</p>
 <p>
      Much of what guides my thinking comes from the following sources:
adult adoptees and birth parents who have connected with each other after
the adoptees reached the age of majority,  adoptive families who have been
involved in domestic open adoption and others involved in international
open adoptions,  conversations with adoptive parents who are considering
searching, direct work with adopted youngsters who speak of their
thoughts/feelings/fantasies about their birth families, and my own personal
experiences as an adoptive mother involved in two open, international
adoptions with three of our nine children (who are now adults).  I have had
the pleasure and challenge of learning the ropes of negotiating open
adoptions without benefit of a model, since our initial meetings with birth
families occurred over twenty years ago at a time when the term "open"
adoption had not yet been coined and no one we knew had ever entered into
an open relationship between birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents.
We proceeded on instinct, emotion, and guesses. Our path led us to make
mistakes, but to also come upon sensible, helpful, constructive ways to
meet the challenges.  Never, though, have we found it easy, uncomplicated,
a complete "fix" for adoption losses, or a straightforward path.  My
opinion is that this is always the case-- open adoption leads to a very
complex set of ever-unfolding, never entirely predictable, not always
positive relationships, sometimes very wonderful relationships and
opportunities for personal growth amongst the various players in the
adoption triad.
</p>
<p>
      From my observations and experiences, international open adoptions
are distinctly different from domestic open adoptions for many reasons.
Language and culture is an enormous barrier in most cases.  When
translators interpret questions, comments, and the expression of feelings,
they can not get it absolutely accurately and completely-- and all parties
have difficult feelings that occur as a result that reverberate long after
the infrequent and all-too-short meetings.  Did the interpreter leave
things out? Did he decide to soften words or expressed feelings?  Did he
grasp the importance of interpreting my question/answer as accurately as
possible?  Did he put his own spin on what was said because of his biases
or misconceptions about adoptive relationships? Cultural nuances are
critical.  How one interacts politely-- from giving/receiving gifts, making
eye contact or not, defining what personal space is appropriate, to
understanding how family dynamics normally work in the other's culture--
these things shape the relationships that start up and evolve.  They shape
expectations, behavior, and interpretation of reactions to words and
behavior.  At THE most emotionally-loaded moments in the lives of adoptees,
adoptive parents, and birth parents, language barriers and cultural
differences get magnified to enormous proportions.
</p>
<p>
      Who should engage in search and how far, if at all, is it all right
for adoptive parents to go in searching for their children?  There is great
controversy surrounding the question of who has the right to search.  Many
internationally adopted adult adoptees, adoptive parents of mature
families, and adoption professionals believe that only the adoptees,
themselves, should search-- even for information that could later hasten a
reunion or make successful connections more probable.  Why?  They point out
that two more losses occur when adoptive parents search FOR their adopted
child. Yet there is a flip side to this argument, too, that I'll discuss
later.
</p>
<p>
    The first is loss of control over the decision and timing of a search.
In adoption, every player experiences great loss of control and the
feelings that tend to accompany that.  Adoptees grow to know that others
made life-altering decisions for them that sometimes work out well,
sometimes do not.  Birth parents, social workers, judges, foster parents,
adoptive parents make decisions which profoundly affected who they became
and how they see themselves. These are things that non-adopted persons do
not experience and set them apart from most others.  They, like the other
players in the adoption triad, tend to want and need to regain as much
control as possible in their lives and so, tend to deeply resent that
others would take from them this last bit of control over the decision to
search or not.
</p>
<p>
    The second is loss of how the search is conducted and the time table
along which the search proceeds which, say adult adoptees and many
professionals, is important to adoptees in terms of identity development.
Many to most adult adoptees who search stop and start a multitude of
times-- not because they are stumped by what to do next, but because they
make a series of decisions as to whether to continue on with their search.
Some obtain information on paper and then decide for a period of time or
permanently to stop there.  Others stop and then later decide that they
want and need more.  Some decide that they don't want to complete their
search to the point of actually meeting with birth family members.  Some
want only to meet with birth siblings. Some agree to meet only with their
birth mothers, others go on from there some time later to meet their birth
fathers, if the birth parents don't live together.  Each search is unique
not only in how it ends up, but in how it proceeds to whatever conclusion
it comes to.  When adoptive parents take over and direct that process, the
adoptee does not get to make the decisions and does not get to process and
come to terms with what is occurring at his or her own pace.  Many feel
sure that how the search evolves is as important and life-shaping as
whether or not birth parents are ultimately found and met.
</p>
<p>
     Some adoptive parents and adoption professionals state concerns that
if adoptive parents let the trail go cold, the information they might be
able to obtain NOW could be lost forever or become extremely difficult for
their child to retrieve years later.  Orphanages close or burn down. Foster
parents move or die.  Caregivers who found, cared for, and knew the child
don't stay on forever.  Paper documents and notes may be deliberately or
inadvertently lost or destroyed.  These are the type of scenarios adoptive
parents worry may happen.  They wonder whether their sons and daughters may
find fault with their decision to not try to find and keep as much
information as they possibly can while it is still available and may be
accessible.
</p>
<p>
      One other decision that adoptees make for themselves when they are
the ones who search and locate birth parents is how many meetings they are
willing to have, how often they have contact, what is shared during those
meetings or phonecalls or in letters.  They develop their own set of
expectations that usually shift and change as they get to know more about
their birth family.  They also get to learn about and decide how to respond
to the birth parents' expectations. One adult adoptees tells that after
finding her birth mother, the birth mother expects her to come to visit and
spend holidays with her.  That is very far from what the adoptee wants or
needs as she feels that she already has a family and was not looking for a
new "mommy."  She would prefer to have a much more limited set of contacts
and to gradually decide for herself how much of her life she wants to
share.
</p>
<p>
     When adoptive parents conduct not only the search process, but then
arrange for subsequent contacts between themselves and the birth family,
the adoptee, again, loses any degree of choice and control.  While some
adoptive parents say that they involve their son or daughter in decisions,
they may be unaware that their child may feel an enormous amount of
pressure to live up to their expectations and those of his/her birth family
rather than be able to say what he/she really would prefer to have happen.
</p>
<p>
      Another potential problem in open adoptions is that all parties-- the
birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the adoptees enter into an open
relationship with needs, fantasies, beliefs, and expectation.  Sometimes
these are in conflict.  When adoptive parents have a great need to express
their gratitude to birth parents for providing, in their eyes, the
opportunity for them to be parenting the child they love and act on that
need by going overboard to shower the birth parents with kind words and
gifts, the child's needs may get lost in the shuffle.  Adoptees may also
feel gratitude to their birth parents and may come to develop empathy for
what they experienced in relinquishing their child. At the same time,
however, they may need to work out feelings of anger that the birth parents
made the decisions that they did. They may struggle with feelings of shame
over having been born to parents who couldn't or didn't raise their "own"
child-- in the words of Society.
</p>
<p>
       Sometimes birth parents are thrilled to see the child they decided
not to raise and enter into the relationship with gusto, but later need to
pull away when their expectations are not being met or their own feelings
become too overwhelming.  They may decide not to see or write to or receive
calls from the adoptive parents or adopted child-- temporarily, for an
extended period of time, or permanently. This loss is usually even more
devastating and intense than the first one was.  It is difficult enough for
an adult adoptee to accept his or her birth parents' decision to stop
communicating.  It is that much more difficult and undermining for that to
happen to a child or youth.
</p>
<p>
      Not all birth parents are happy to be found and contacted. Some
refuse to write or see the child they relinquished or to even give over
information that the adoptive parents would like to have.  They may not be
willing to give even medical history when a child is desperately in need of
that type of information.  Then, young adoptees experience increased
feelings of having been rejected.  This, too, is devastating for children
who may then begin to see themselves as being flawed and/or unlovable.
</p>
<p>
      When adoptees and adoptive parents begin to search with the goal of
establishing a one-time meeting or a long-term relationship with birth
parents, they need to be prepared for all sorts of unpredictable outcomes.
They may learn information that is painful, startling, and confusing or
undermining to the adoptee's sense of self.  One family learned that the
birth mother had tried to murder the child. Another that the birth mother
had relinquished in order to try to protect herself and the child from an
abusive husband-- the one she still lives with.  One family learned that
one of the birth parents had been incarcerated, another that a birth parent
lives in a mental health hospital.  Adults have a tough time accepting that
this is a part of their backround.  Children, who have not even made the
conscious choice to obtain information struggle even more mightily with
receiving backround history of this type.  Sometimes, too, what is learned
is inconclusive. If the alleged birth parents are unwilling to  agree to
DNA testing, the resulting mystery can be very tough for an adoptee to live
with.  It is a huge responsibility for adoptive parents to make these
decisions for their children.
</p>
<p>
       When adoptions are open, the adopted child is often not the only
child who is affected by what evolves in the relationships that are
established.  There are often other children in the adoptive family and
still others in the birth parents' families.  It is important that
relationships between/amongst siblings be respected, validated, and
supported.  This is sometimes difficult when grown-ups weight different
types of sibling relationships differently.  For example, sometimes birth
parents believe that the only sibling relationships that are  authentic are
those between siblings who are genetically related.  Adoptive parents may
refer to the relationships amongst the children in their families as 'real'
while discounting those that an adopted child has with his or her
biological siblings.  This can sometimes cause complications at best, major
problems that escalate over time at worst.
</p>
<p>
     Even when the outcome is very positive, the real challenge is to
figure out how to live with the fact that the adoption is now open.  When
adoptions are open ones in the U.S., it is relatively easy and inexpensive
to conduct an ongoing relationship.  There can usually be regular and
sometimes even frequent face-to-face visits that can be arranged. When
families must travel to another country, arrange for interpreters to
translate even a simple letter, and bear the financial burden,  conducing
an open adoption is very different. The child, birth parents, and adoptive
family may realize that they could benefit from regular visits, but not be
able to make that happen. A one- or two-time visit may leave everyone
feeling very unfinished-- with a child having difficulty understanding why
his/her parents won't go back every month or every summer.  Birth parents
can make unrealistic requests-- for a child to come alone and stay with
them for a period of weeks or months or for a holiday.  They may ask the
adoptive family to provide financial assistance for another child.  They
may want more than the adoptive family is willing and comfortable with
providing.  While adoptive families and birth parents here in the U.S. may
have access to counseling to help them deal with the issues and feelings
that surface in open adoptions, birth families in other countries may not
have the money or available resources to obtain that. Another obstacle is
often the way that culture looks at going after mental health support
services.
</p>
<p>
      Adopted children grow up, of course!  If they are involved in an open
adoption, at some point they will probably expect and demand that their
adoptive parents back away from the relationship and contacts that are
taking place between them and their birth family members. This can be very
difficult for adoptive parents who may then feel threatened, jealous,
unneeded, worried, concerned about things that they are seeing that they
think are destructive, and left out.   When one adds language and cultural
differences into the mix, things often get quite complicated and can be
extremely upsetting and comfortable for all involved.  Adoptive parents who
seek to open their child's adoption must be ready and willing for this--
and committed to evolving healthy communication and relationships as they
go-- usually with the help of therapist. They must know, however, that
birth family members will probably NOT have those same types of supports
and opportunities to receive psychological help so that they can continue
to act in the child's best interests.
</p>
<p>
     On the other hand, many families tell us that they have wonderful,
growth-producing, expansive experiences with opening an international
adoption.  Many relate stories about how their child blossoms as he or she
finds answers to questions that would otherwise have been left to the realm
of the unknown.  Many adoptive parents and birth parents establish close
relationships and embrace each others' role in the life of their shared son
or daughter.  Many tell us that while the relationships are ever-changing,
complicated, and never easy to keep on an even keel, they would not have it
any other way!
</p>
<p>
      Only a very few adult adoptees have been a part of open or semi-open
international adoptions.  That means that there is little for current
families to be able to look at to know whether this is typically a positive
or destructive path to take.  Families who decide to search for and make
contact with birth parents have to accept that they are taking risks and
probably cannot anticipate the problems or joys that may lie ahead.  They
have no way to assess how their children may, at some point in the future,
criticize or thank them for moving ahead into unchartered territory.
</p>
<p>
       Our own open adoptions came as surprises after we received our
children.  (We have two).  We adopted two older children who came with a
small backpack loaded with photos, letters, addresses, and phone numbers--
information that normally would never have been allowed to be sent or
delivered.  I took the information with me on a trip to escort other
adopted children from Korea to the United States and showed it to an
American nun who worked for years with Amerasian children in Korea. Without
asking for my permission, she picked up the phone and CALLED the birth
family!   Before I knew what was happening, she was arranging for a meeting
between me and members of the birth family.  So began our open relationship
that has been ongoing now, for many years.
</p>
<p>
       Our other open adoption evolved because we brought a teenage girl
into our home who possessed memories,  memorized phone numbers and
addresses for her birth mother in Korea, and had the address of her
American birth father without our even knowing that she had these things.
She corresponded with and called her birth mother on a regular basis right
from the start and visited with her birth mother in Korea several times.
Her birth mother eventually moved to the U.S. and is now a regular and
cherished part of all of our lives.  (That does NOT mean that we never felt
or feel jealous, threatened, upset, confused, etc... or that the
relationships have been uncomplicated or always comfortable).  The
relationship with her birth father started when she decided to write to
him-- without our knowlege or permission.  Suddenly, we received an
unexpected phone call and were off and running with an open adoption on
that end, too.  Adoptive parents don't always get to choose-- sometimes
open adoptions arise without their having made the decision to enter into
these complex arrangements.
</p>
<p>
      The other aspect of searching for birth families that parents need to
consider is how they or their child might be taken advantage of and how
their actions might impact adoption of children in their child's
country-of-origin.  Both of these are serious matters to consider. There
are many people who would eagerly profess to search and could then offer up
information or possible birth family members for a fee.  There motives,
their honesty, their ability to really gather any information would be
difficult for an adoptive family to assess.  The repercussions in the
villages, towns, cities, and governments that adopted children have come
from are impossible to anticipate.  Sometimes the result has been that
governments tighten the reins on allowing anyone to have access to any
information-- something that adult adoptees really fear.  Sometimes new
regulations or restrictions are put into place that slow down the adoption
process of children and adopting parents.  Sometimes, if adoptive parents
bungle these investigations and cause hurt, adoptions are stopped all
together.  Sometimes searches result in a complicated and ugly battle over
custody of a child that impedes adoption and/or the ability of others to
engage in searches.  All of these things should be considered before a
family arrogantly starts to search without doing so carefully and
sensitively with professional guidance and assistance.
</p>
<p>
    No one should or can tell what is right or best for each individual
adoption triad (comprised of birth parents, adoptive parents, and
child/children).  We will learn more as we are able to watch the very few
open adoptions that have evolved.  Few of the children who have been
involved have reached adulthood and we have not yet heard much, if
anything, from birth family members or adoptive parents of what they think
and how openness has affected their lives.  What we can tell adoptive
parents is to think about all of this VERY carefully, to seek professional
counsel so as to determine whether it is their child's or their own needs
that they are seeking to meet by searching on behalf of a pre-adult adopted
son or daughter, and to know what the pitfalls could be.  These are not
decisions that should be made casually, hastily, or without the advice of a
knowlegable adoption therapist.
</p>
<p>
     Few of us in the international adoption community can envision what
the Future may hold in terms of our ability to search and find birth
families.  Years ago, we told almost every family that finding birth
families was Mission Impossible-- yet today, adoptees or birth parents are
initiating the process of search in many countries throughout the world and
are finding each other.  Sometimes it is the adoptees who go looking in
their countries-of-origin. Sometimes it is the reverse with birth parents
traveling to or emigrating into the U.S. and initiating the search process
from their end. Those who search and think that they have found each other
are verifying their genetic connections through DNA testing.  In the
Future, as technology makes it increasingly possible for genetic
connections to be accurately and quickly determined, contact between adopted
persons and the birth parents who gave them their start in life will
probably increase dramatically.  These are important matters for adoptive
parents to consider and begin to talk over with their children as they
grow.  It will be a delicate balance between preserving hope and optimism
that many things will be possible for many that may not be now, while
helping adopted youngsters accept the reality that this will likely not be
possible for all in terms of identifying and verifying their history before
adoption.
</p>
<p>
Jane Brown M.S.W.
</p>
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